I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
