Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my sisters under your porch take her home
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
