You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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