Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
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There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
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Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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