i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
