You can't motorboat a personality
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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