dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
