Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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