My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
