Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
