I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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