everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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