dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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