if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Verdict: uncircumcised.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
