Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
