if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
