he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize