My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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