I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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