your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
