can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You are the jesus of drinking
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
