The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
