He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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