Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
