I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
fuck your aforementioned shoe
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
