the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
