I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
