I hate all girls vehemently.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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