I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Randomize
