There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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