no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
