No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
