We're facebook friends in real life
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
