Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
