You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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