i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Randomize
