so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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