9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
