***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
