I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
