party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
