the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
