one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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