dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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