just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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