no, he came in my armpit
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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