I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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