When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
