Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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