I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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