we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
