Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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