Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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