It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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