Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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