I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
