I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
