I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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