I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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