I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
